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Eric’s Firkin Chicken
As I have mentioned before, our cargo plane days are quite a pleasure. There is always lots to do, but the Dornier planes that come are crazy old buses, and the pilots always old-school mavericks who have been on the Central/East Africa circuit for years. They have many stories to tell, but they don’t volunteer them.
Me at the airstrip
Sometimes I help them fix stuff like broken fuel tank filler-caps which threaten to fy off the wings mid-flight, and either spew the fuel mid-air and strand them, or allow it to flood off and into the red-hot turbojet unit. But it is the pilots’ eccentricity which entertains me the most. One guy, ‘French Eric’, as I call him, has a withered arm, and taxis to a stop with a Marlboro Red in his mouth, lighter at the ready. Last time I saw him, one hot January day, he brought us a ton and a half of PlumpyNut for the malnourished kids/patients.
‘Geev me some Plumpynut for my Chicken, just two sachets’ were the first words that came out from his ever-disgruntled mouth, and I had to cock my ear over the noise of the engines coming to a halt. I smiled weakly, and tried to change the subject to one I could understand.
‘What are we going to do about that puncture on the front undercarriage wheel?’, I offered hopefully.
‘Yez, just three sachets’ came his reply.
‘Do you have a spare wheel?’ I started looking in his open hold for something to repair the flat tyre of the plane.
‘Sheet!! Ziss must be from your airstrip! When deed you see that?’
Eric hadn’t even noticed the plane’s steering as it taxied to a halt in a tight circle in front of me, grinding the flat tyre, and rolling over on its overloaded twin.
‘Please, geev the Thuraya’, came throught the teeth, tightly clenched around the cigarette, ‘ah need to call Nairobi’.
After half an hour, during which I got the boys to fetch the stirrup pump from our MSF Landcruiser, and unload the plumpynut load into wheelbarrows and onto heads, Eric came off the phone with his bosses.
Before I had the chance to ask what he was going to do to get him out of the ‘no undercarriage take-off’ situation, he was back onto the PlumpyNut subject again.
‘Ah need it for my Chiggen.’, he said resolutely.
‘But it’s for our patients, Eric’. Luckily one of the medics was there, and I could defer the request to him. We both asked at once: ‘What Chicken?’
And the answer came:
‘So I am carrying aload of eggz, and I hear ziss sound, so I open the box, and zis chicken is zere. In ze box. So ze first sing ze chiggen sees is me. Eet sinks I am ze firkin father!! Now it is ze Altimeter. When I go too high, ze chiggen faints. Zen I know I must come down. (It is not unheard-of for these pilots to fly minus an instrument battery, so…)
Now eet is wiz me everywhere, and eet loves PlumpyNut’.
We managed, finally, to deny him his pet-food,and anyway this ‘Chiggin’ was with his girlfriend in Loki that day, roaming the house, and pining after French Eric by all accounts.
Disgruntled again, as usual, Eric promptly hopped back into the pilots seat and started the takeoff procedures.
‘But what about your wheel?’ I shouted, over the roar of the turbines.
‘Pleez, here is za number. You will call Loki and ask them to clear the runway for us. Zey will not send us anozer plane with a wheel. Too expenseev. ‘Ere we go. Tell zem I will keep ze nose up, and radio me eef I ‘ave popped ze ozzer one. Ah cannot know from inside.’
Eric did not ‘pop’ the other tyre when he took off, and although I have not seen him since, there was no crash-landing when he got back to Loki.
Gawd bless him and his ‘firkin chiggin’.
Eric touches down, seconds before the blowout...
May 10th, 2011 at 8:39 pm
Brilliant! Made me laugh out loud :0D
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May 10th, 2011 at 9:59 pm
One of the funniest stories I’ve read. Glad there is a moment for humour in your lives up there.
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Rupert Reply:
May 18th, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Thanks Heather. It really makes a huge difference when I get some feedback. And I’m sorry some of the blogs are a bit short of it, but one gets disheartened in many different ways, and it can be a struggle to find the joy to write.
People like you bothering are what keep us going.
I can’t tell you how grateful I am.
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May 11th, 2011 at 11:00 am
wow that is amazing. writing that is..
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May 11th, 2011 at 11:03 am
not “the queen’s english”, but who gives a ruddy crap about that, ha ha, get the story out !!
whenever you use dialect, it makes the story so much more authentic, even if it’s , especially if it is, the Truth.
thank you !!
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Rupert Reply:
May 18th, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Thank you!!! It’s really funny how I can wait weeks for the heart to write, and then dash something off which is better not thought about too much.
I can’t tell you how grateful I am of any – and all – feedback. Sometimes we are not in a position to discuss things, and the link with the outside world keeps me sane, believe me.
And thanks for the writing encouragement. It’s something I’ve been planning to try for years.
Rupert
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May 13th, 2011 at 8:24 pm
Well, actually I am ze pilot in question.. lol.. but to put it in a mild way slightly inacurate, but what good story doesn’t come with a zest of exageration, wish I have your talent.Now, sorry to burst this laughing bubble but i have to put the record straight otherwise i gonna lose my job n i will not be able to find another one, therefore i’ll not be in a position to feed my pet fish, i know i said fish.. the chicken is dead of starvation :>(
Now for a start fortunately for the story teller, he is no medic coz my arm is not withered at all but my leg is (i hope he is not helping performing amputations here…). Second i am not smoking red Malbs but blue Ambassy ..a bit of color blindless there?? Third i never speak with a cigarette in my mouth, it’s very unpolite, my mom told me that amongst other things like if i want a line of c… i have to make sure it’s the right stuf and not cut with washing powder..Dear momy! She also taught me to alway say please and never i want but may i or I wish or I like.. Stuff like that you see? Third, front tyres run on doubble boggey and you can not feel due to the hydraulic steering if one is deflated, particulary in these kind of rough and poorly maintened strips.
Third, for whom who don’t know we don’t carry spare wheels on board because they have to be fitted by a qualified engineer, so if we carry ze wile vi has to take ze anginer along ….means less space for plumpy nuts savvy? Third it is acceptable to fly with one wheel as long as you do a ferry flight back to base when there is no maintenance facilities available at the place the problem occurs,and that is in compliance with company and airlaw regulations.
Well to make a long story short i have been landing on this place like i did so many time before, even long before you where there, tripped on this piece of sharp litters you guys jockingly leave on the runway to make our lives interresting or should i say you were so busy to tweet you had not the time to inspect the airstrip an make it safe for our landing? Inspected the dammage called my company and with their blessing and not for petty reasons versus safety flew safely to my home and my chicken happily knowing that thanks to me a few kids there will not go hungry for another day.now for the chicken bit, humour is better than anger, every year pilots kill themself ther not because they are reckless but because the runways are hopelesly poorly maintained, because they have to fly in awfully terrible weather conditions because the job has to be done we are not landing in JFK or heathrow here but on seven hundred meters airstrips full of litters, pot holes, cows, goats, crossing and so on ….and may be we look like some weird mavericks but it’s our way to cope. Anyway thanks for your blessings.
As to me i am in easten Congo now speaking French with a English accent, celebrating my 10 000 hours of flying without accident…gess there must be a god up there watching for me, but i’ll be back soon in sudan and bring you pictures of my fish… AND TRY TO LAND WHELLS UP FOR A CHANGE!!
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canada13-30- Reply:
May 22nd, 2011 at 9:46 pm
Wow, Eric;
thank you for the Truth, got it finally.
you are amazing,
the work you are doing in those conditions.
and you are very funny.
- Susan
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May 17th, 2011 at 8:39 pm
erik les deux histoires ont été brillants, mais je suis d’accord avec toi mon ami.
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May 17th, 2011 at 9:17 pm
Whuh!!!? (see, I am speaking English with a Nuer accent…) I wouldn’t put it past you. Who needs wheels, afterall.
But I’ll have you know, Eric, I go out every morning at dawn when there is a flight, and scrub our airstrip with a toothbrush. Last time I was doing it, Low-Flying Jamie came out of nowhere and tried to run me over, so that’s thanks indeed.
But seriously, you guys always look wonderful in your flying machines, by the way, especially with those coat hangers in your white scarves, and the goggles keep us all believing we’re down here for a reason…
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May 17th, 2011 at 10:04 pm
Fabulous!!! Love to you all doing fine works of goodness and entertaining us soft westerners at the same time! Keep it up (literally – the aeroplane, I mean!!!) xxxxxxx
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May 17th, 2011 at 11:51 pm
Hahahahah……. but Eric….you write in impeccable english….
have to say that the fictional eric had me laughing loads…..
big respect to the real you though….doing a tough job and making a difference…(a fact which the writer was a great pains to point out to me when i chatted to him… )
three cheers for the pilots….and their chickens and fish
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May 19th, 2011 at 8:41 am
Leetle grey cells tell me you FRAUD . . . You know about this runway and all its idiot sin crassies and CADGE plumpinut, which is brought in to repair your runway, not to feed your fish. If you manage to land whells up you might manage to tip the plumpinut in the right direction – but mind your head.
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Rupert Reply:
May 20th, 2011 at 12:23 am
Mmm. Not so sure… This is a bizzarre world we are talking about, and none of us would be there if we weren’t a tiny bit mad…
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erick foukkart Reply:
May 23rd, 2011 at 2:20 pm
MOM’S LOVE… ;-]
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May 23rd, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Hi Ruppert , some new devellopements in our flying procedures, since the weather is getting bad and we are not able to get some accurate reports, and also since my artificial horyzon is as good as my artificial leg (meaning not as goood as it used to be 20 yrs ago) not mentionning the weather radar who got scared in 1978 and from that time on refuses systematically to give any information, I decided to put my love for animals into practical action and purchased a duck and a cat but why…WWHY ?? Would you ask, sinnce you have a fish? The duck will sh>> in the acquarium and the cat will eat the fish will’nt it?
WELL FORGET THE FISH…THE CAT GOT IT ALREADY …SOB!! The reason is simple, I am planning to use the cat as a substitute artificial horyzon
Cats always fell on their feet therefore they can act as a gyroscope one has just to launch them in the cockpit and observe, for exemple,if the cat appears to fly on his back means that YOU are on your back so you just have to retrim your plane accordingly to come back on your belly..Simple as that..
Now the duck , would you ask, would’nt you? well just try to kick the duck out of the storm window, if the duck tries frantically to get in again means you are in trouble because you are flying in a weather one would’nt ty to put a duck outside.. In addition thinking about the cat, one says they got nine lives am planning to sweetalk my kitty in giving up one of them for me in exchange of some new fish in ze acquarium well zat is bush flying as usual.
Cheers Mates
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May 24th, 2011 at 1:03 pm
Pete here, MSF blogging editor….. Any budding illustrators out there fancy drawing this fantasy cockpit/zoo? We have a chicken altimetre, a feline artificial horizon, a quacking meteorological assistant and errrr, a fish.
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Rupert Reply:
May 31st, 2011 at 6:42 pm
And don’t forget the white scarves with coathangers. I will make enquiries with my artistic friends in high places…
It explains the old expression ‘raining cats and dog’, but where do the dogs come into it, Eric? Anyway, enough talk of your in-flight acrobatics. I just got out of Hernia Hospital, after lifting one too many drums of JetA1 to refuel you after you’ve come back from your gas-guzzling zoological bush diversions, so sorry I haven’t been here to give more technical advice.
I’m back now, though, and in my expert opinion, the more animals in the cockpit, the better. I thought Elephants were your forte? Where do they fit in? And don’t tell me they don’t, cos I heard tales of rescuing many a young calf. Sounds like they’d do just as good job behind the joystick, or whatever that thingy is you pull, when coming out of a dive, like in the movies.
And haven’t they got built-in elephant graveyard radar? Or is that pigeons…? Anyone for an Albatross?
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