so. it was like Maurizio said. the sights, the noises, the days that surrounded me so completely, they collapse. they collapse, but they don’t disappear. it is as if you have shut off an old tv and all the images and sounds are compressed into that one bright point in the middle of the screen. incandescent, it just lasts and lasts.
abyei is still real. i am positive. i know that right now, as i type this, the people who remain are working their way through familiar struggles i have left behind, that the call to prayer will happen soon, that someone just looked at the thermometer and is scanning the sky hopefully for clouds. it has collapsed into a tiny white dot, but it is still too bright to forget.
time is different here. hours are eaten up by little tiny minutes, almost instantly. they just disappear. days too. in abyei, time felt thick like molasses. each action was deliberate, even the small ones. eating food had a slow importance to it. this is dinner. now i am done. i will go to bed.
the days since have been like water. bright, clear, diaphanous by comparison. so many mini things have happened, but their inertia is different. i don’t know how many times i have eaten today. or quite where i have been. i could tell you if i thought about it, but i am not likely to.
since i last spoke at you, i have left sudan and passed through geneva for my debriefing. i am now in amsterdam, considering ending my relationship with some parasites. you have to understand, it is not them, it’s me. there are some things i have to figure out on my own.
the debriefing in geneva was interesting. aside from the usual talk about objectives, accomplishments, and future plans, there was considerable discussion about my blog, and about blogs in general. there are some who feel that they hide the slipperiest of slopes, that they are akin to voyeurism, a commodification of the MSF experience. others, like myself, are convinced that its immediacy and combinations of media allow a story to be told in a new, powerful way and that there is a benefit in their telling. the more people who know about abyei the better. the more first time volunteers who understand what it is truly like in the field, the better. the more of our family members who know we are alive, who get a chance to feel like they hear from us every day, the better.
i am not sure what will come of it all. it is true to MSF’s spirit that there will be a heated discussion that will give way to cool consideration, and finally firm into a resolution. i can read the wisdom on both sides, and hope to participate in the dialogue.
i can’t speak to all the merits and demerits of blogs, but i think i know why they work well; they are personal, immediate, and available. they make a window in the world, and when they are at their best, it is almost clean. though i can for the first time, i haven’t looked back through mine yet. not quite ready. too many little mines, memories that need to lose some of their colour before they are recalled.
because i did not have easy access to the internet, i wrote post to post. i never got a chance to see this as a larger thing, if it manifested any particular themes. i wanted to tell the story of abyei as someone who came to it knowing nothing, and then found himself woven into it. i wanted to tell the story of MSF, an organization that manifests a particularly pure version of the humanitarian spirit we all carry around. and, most importantly, i wanted to make more real a world that is happening right now, just now, at this very minute. someone just set down the thermometer, and scanned the sky. no clouds. no rain today. good for the hospital. the roof on the feeding centre has started to leak and the mothers are complaining, threatening to leave. it is important to know not just because it provides perspective, not just because the contrast makes us realize we have the tools to do something about the world we live in, but also to remind us that we are doing something about it. we could just use more hands. maybe yours.
there are other missions. dozens of them, going on right now. people are waiting for visas, passing through customs, counting days until their R&R, coming home. my experience was not remarkable. there are forty others like it right now, some harder, some easier, some longer, all different. i once said MSF is a treadmill. one person gets on, runs for six months, and it is someone else’s turn. maybe its more like the major leagues. dozens of teams, hundreds of games, a thousand people criss-crossing. but the multiplication is dizzying, so i just focused on my small corner because it is the only one i know.
a friend of mine came to visit me in amsterdam yesterday. we drove around in the rain and looked for tennis courts. he asked me what it was like, sudan. i didn’t have much to say. “intense”, i said, “not quite over.” still that bright, burning spot.
dear James,
thank you so much for your blog. i have spent the past 2 days reading it in detail and it has been so enlightening, better than many books i have picked up recently. one day i hope to get the chance to serve as you have done and this blog was an excellent inspiration.
i agree that some blogs don’t work well because they are too emotional. i believe yours is a perfect balance between detail, emotion, and philosophy. you brought sudan to life in a way that no other medium can.
thank you.
I work for MSF. In the past the internet has provided me with the opportunity to read messages from friends who are volunteers. For me James M’s blog has provided the same immediacy, closing the distance between my desk and Abyei. Unlike those treasured private e-mails, I am sharing this experience with people across the world who are interested in James’ work and that of MSF. Including James’ own friends and family. Which is already an amazing thought. Yet it goes further, all of us can in turn write our own words. It has been as moving to read those comments as James’ own words. Which is why I am writing now to say – thank you.
J…
I wrote you once about censorship…essentially about borders…
You wrote:
“03/04: in response to samantha
…..because the red cross wanted to work in as many places as possible and reach as many patients as they could, they thought it was best to not speak about political things. they were afraid that the governments of the countries where they worked would be angry, or make them leave. they believed that this silence was in important part of being neutral, of not taking sides.
the people who started msf did not agree. they knew that the famine in nigeria was caused not by the weather, but by a war. they also believed that the world needed to know, so that other countries could work towards a solution for the real problem. the nigerian people who were starving because of the war could not tell their own story. they were too poor, and too hungry. most of them had left their homes. the doctors and journalists who started msf in 1971 believed that in addition to giving medical assistance, they had a responsibility to say what they had seen, that they must speak for people who had no voice.
there are many more parts to the story, but for me, this is the most important. it is where we get our name from. “sans frontières”. “without borders”. we work all over the world, providing care for people who otherwise would be forgotten. it is to these people that we feel our responsibility lies. we think about borders mostly when they get in our way…..”
You have fulfilled the core of the msf mantra…”sans frontieres” …without borders…
There is no question that censorship or editing or eliminating your blog…put up borders…
The issue with blogs is not their presence or their content….It is the perspective with which they are viewed and the judgment by the readers of the content…
My own risque comments…deemed inappropriate by some..amusing by others…inconsequential by most…were simply my comments…Nothing more…My opinion expressed without fear of reprise….or censorship…
Some many people talk the talk…few walk the walk…
Without Borders…
“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, Thou can not then be false to any man.” Hamlet
Rest…rehydrate…recuperate…rejuvenate…
Then start building mileage…for your next marathon…whatever/wherever that may be…
And stay away from Texas prisons…
Smiles
T
This blog did more than allowing people to expand their awareness in regards to Sudan and the work of MSF. This blog, in my opinion, promoted respect and appreciation for a country’s Sudanese newcomers (and hopefully for newcomers from all countries) and community. It also contributed to a certain extent to your overall wellbeing by allowing you to communicate ‘X’ when needed.
Kindness and patience towards oneself are key elements to a smoother re-integration process
Take good care!
re: the value of this blog
Like Erin said, it made me realize “how very real the need is”. The need for money, every little cent… the need for skilled and caring volunteers. I can see how well my dollar is being used on an intimate level and that it actually makes a difference. And, for the people that want to volunteer it sets them up with realistic expectations for their time in the field and prepares them mentally for the challenges that may lurk there. It made me realize how hard the people in the field work and how brave they are.
It made me realize how lucky I am to be born into “the first world”, not in a smug way, but every day I appreciated my life and thought about what it was like in Abyei that day. We can get caught up in the minutiae of our own lives and our perspective gets all caddy-wompus. Dr. Jame’s blog put my world in perspective while he attempted to understand his own. How is any of this a problem for MSF? I don’t get it. I have never been more moved by anything on the web.
Sincerely, Dawn
I can only say BLOG On.
In case votes are being tallied here: I am a 67 year old woman with moderately severe emphysema, and obviously not a candidate for the field. My husband & I support MSF financially and I am a letter-writer for Amnesty International’s Urgent Action Network as well offering occasional help with mailings at their Toronto office. In my case your blog was ‘preaching to the choir’ and how splendid it was. You have many gifts and I am glad MSF offered the opportunity for you to explore them and share a little with so many of us. Thank you for taking the time. I felt privileged to become a reader. Though I have never sent a comment before (not wishing to interrupt the good work everyone is so busy doing), I felt compelled to do so this time. Commodification indeed! I am mildly offended, but more than that, I worry that this kind of communication might be shut down. I’m pretty sure I represent my demographic when I offer my warmest admiration and support and good wishes.
Sincerely
Kathy
To question the value of your writings is totally reactionary on the part of MSF. As you said, once they’ve had time to weigh all perspectives concerning this forum, they’ll have no choice but to acknowledge how worthy all this is.
Nothing will stop you from telling stories to those close to you; writing them here has widened that circle and made each story, written in the thick of each moment, that much more insightful and powerful.
Thank you for sharing these months with us James.
Being introspective is one thing I really respect about MSF. Xerox learned an important lesson about knowledge sharing and developing communities of practice: http://www.govtech.com/gt/13168
In the same way I think MSF is also learning that lesson. Having studied knowledge sharing I can attest to the effectiveness of this form of communication, being organic enough in its nature to enable storytelling through pictures, video and words. Given the governments that like to observe what is being said about their country online, I realise that this storytelling can be a delicate matter and that having a moderator is essential in order to protect your team and your work. That’s okay, we can read between the lines. I can only hope that MSF continues to encourage this extremely important form of temoinage, perhaps by providing its volunteers with the tools they feel most comfortable using to tell their story.
As far as being “akin to voyeurism” goes, I could be sitting down watching “Big Brother” on TV (and becoming stupider for it), but I choose to be here, living my now vicariously through you and the other MSF bloggers, in order that I might gain one more ounce of useful knowledge, while I bide my time until it is my turn.
This blog has been a wonderful vicarious experirence for me. KUDOS for the fine writing… the compassion you have shown in the work that you have done… for opening a window on a reality and a part of the world which to many of us, was unknown.
Jim. I am glad you are in Amsterdam relaxing. Thanks for still updating your blog, I still believe that your blog is very important not only to share your experiences but also to raise awareness of what MSF does. Yes we all know that MSF has doctors and sends them out to where they are needed, but honestly, I never put much thought into the details, the infrastructure, the team, the effort, the pain and the beauty of what MSF does. I appreciate your blog and your insight and I hope that MSF continues to encourage the people in the field to write blogs. You have a particular gift with your writting style. I look forward to updates everyday.
Georgina
I think Dan is entirely accurate – the power that a blog conveys to its audience is very much dependant on how it is written. Maybe a control on this would be difficult, how they would go about it they might ask – everyone is different – but, if msf is in someway concerned about what Dr. James has written, I suggest they re-evaluate. Because anyone who found it too real would not be here.. again, and again, checking for an update. Does msf have room for absent people on the field? I have always had ambition to work for msf, and know that I will do. But right now, I certainly have this blog to thank for the reminder of how very real the need is outside of our fast-paced, metropolitan bubble.
jim i think your blog raises an issue for msf in its success. poorly written and self indulgent blogs are no more than emotional catharsis, or at best a meeting ground for a limited group of people sharing a narrow point of view – finding venue no where else.
your blog spans gaps, spans oceanic divides both literal and metaphorical. it has an audience and therefore the potential for an influence. people and organizations – which are in reality just people when you break it down – do not easily cede influnence to other parties as it limits
the choices they can make, the power they yeild…
advertising and blogging both carry the potential to not only inform, but to inspire. to influence perception and decision. adverising is influence though they do not discuss banning advertising msf. of course they could not, but it is not neccessary as they can control the message of advertisements, and consequently perceptions – influence. blogs in their very nature resist control – they are born of desire for independent expression of an individual’s experience, and so are free to carry which ever perception, point of view, and message the blogger experiences. they are influenced by raw unfiltered experience, emotion, and personality – not organizational stance on issues. reailty unfiltered is rarely as we want others to see it.
unread words carry no power.
yours reverberate.