Made in Bangladesh

today i awoke to headlines that a certain trial had finished in vancouver, and 6 murder convictions had been handed down.  and while none of you should be surprised to hear this by now – i cried both out of relief and continued sadness at what had been able to go on in my own city.

i can still remember years and years ago as a university student, a friend of mine told me about the women missing in the downtown eastside.  at this time there was no task force, there was no suspect, there was only a community living in fear of who would go missing next, doing their best to organise for safety.  there were only parents looking for answers.  there was only one person who would walk the streets, putting up posters, harassing anyone she could to ask where these women had gone.

and i still feel shame that this could have gone on where i lived.  that someone could have 26 charges of murder brought against them.  that women could have been picked off so easily.

i speak of marginalised communities a lot in my work.  but here is one in my own neighbourhood, my own city.

i am so sorry.

i love music.  i love shows.  i miss vancouver so much sometimes for the simple act of putting on some cute boots, a fun little dress, and walking on down to the railway to listen to whoever is on stage, dancing until they close the bar, and they kindly ask us (again) to leave.

i miss having a friend call me up and dragging me out to see someone they know i’ll love.  i miss the canadian music scene full of girls on guitars and funny boys on keyboards.

but the music keeps on in my head.

the other night while standing in the darkened driveway of our office, surrounded by buckets, blankets and cooking pots (not to mention the soap, candles, and piles of other goods) i found the funniest songs started playing in my head.  as the assembly line assembled the hygiene and cooking kits, as i bent down to place the candles in the bucket, then the matches, each time lifting my head to see the imposing number of goods still stacked up against the walls, shed, trees, parked cars; tracy chapman’s ‘mountains o’ things’ started to swirl through my head.  and it was a good thing – i mean, i knew these mountains of things had a point, and would mean a lot to people who had lost their basic supplies in the cyclone.  these mountains o’ things meant survival, not accumulation of wealth… so again, a good thing.  but on the other hand, the mountain’s part meant we still had hours of work to get everything sorted into individual 20 litre jute bags…

as the evening progressed, the piles slowly got smaller, but it started to dawn just how much there was.  and my second wind came accompanied by dire straights… ‘we got to move these, refridgerators’ (or in our case ‘we got to move these, fleecy blankets).  and that kept me going for another few hours.

the trucks from our supplier had shown up at 10PM. (6 hours late).  we finished loading the last truck with completed kits at 3:30AM. (surprisingly, only 4.5 hours late… we were speedy little line workers).  the thanks goes to the team of workers hired from the neighbourhood and the staff members who stayed until it was done.  our cook is a rock star, and refused to leave until the last kit was finished.

and so those are the songs i thought of while working.  i found it amusing, so thought one of your might too.  in related news this morning i passed a small girl with a huge bundle of firewood balanced on her head, and she gave me the toothiest grin.  and i thought about the mp3 player i had with me, that cost more than she will earn in a year (and there is no doubt in my mind she is a wage earner for her family, and could quite possibly be the sole wager earner for younger siblings if they are without parents…)

and i thought of how much cash i’ll drop the first night i’m back in vancouver on my holidays in 3 weeks.  similar thoughts to those i have every time a woman knocks on my car window asking ‘madam, baksheesh’.

i don’t know if i could work here if not in the capacity as an aid worker.  it’s simply too much.  at least now i assuage my guilt by telling myself the 12 hour days, being away from my home, somehow these sacrifices are as good as taking the woman into the grocery store and buying bread for her and her family.  and that my contribution helps more people then i could afford to help one by one on the street.

oh, rambly thoughts.

for now, i end with a small thanks, to the hometown musician who sent me a copy of one of my favorite songs of hers that has been stuck in my head for two weeks.  and a thanks to my friends and my family who leave me small notes in emails and phone calls.  and a thanks to the ridiculously overpriced mp3 player that means i can play any leonard cohen cover i get stuck in my head.  for now, i try to be satisfied with what i can do.

i remember last monday sitting outside with my coffee at 8AM, waiting for the expats to arrive from the hotel.  4 people had been flown overnight, arriving between 2 and 4 am, and they were due in the office by 9.

we’d been busy with preparations for the explos all weekend, but busyness takes on a whole new meaning when there are new people.  i knew as i sat there enjoying the early quietness, that it wasn’t just 4 expats, but also 4 doctors, 2 translators, and our rehired drivers (plus rental pickup drivers_ who i would also see that day.  i knew it would be bonkers as people needed briefings, paperwork, information, and a role in the planning taking place.

so i took a moment, and sipped my coffee and watched some cute birdies play in the pre-dhaka-haze sunshine.  it looks like spring here in the morning.  the concrete has that old deniem blue/grey sheen.

i was wise to enjoy the few minutes of silence, since it has not been replicated since.

i’m not sure how to sum up the past week, except to say it involved 1 night of packing relief kits until 3:30 am, receiving, briefing and sending off 11 expats, hiring 25 staff, purchasing thousands of items for the earlier mentioned relief kits, tonnes of stress and late late nights, and at least three instances of breaking out in hysterical laughter that ended in tears – mostly due to tiredness i think.  as my dear medco put it, you have to laugh so you don’t cry – but sometimes you do both.

the hundreds of dead is now well over a thousand, and there are worries over areas that haven’t been reached yet.  in the wee hours of monday morning (tomorrow for me now) we will have 4 expats arrive, and today we prepared our landcruisers, emergency kits, and logistics kits (food, flashlights, lifejackets etc etc).  i rehired translators and medics from the emergency program we ran after the floods, and we called back the drivers from the project as well.  our logco is getting himself back here from teknaf and tomorrow morning we have a coordinating meeting with some other agencies we will work with – by dawn tuesday the first land cruiser should pull out the gate.

i’m writing this now because i was so bad during the emergency project in august and just stopped writing. i figured better to write a boring little rather than nothing at all.

so today was quite busy. all this plus sending the nutritionist off to teknaf.  the poor woman arrived at 8am this morning, and we had her on another plane by 4.  we are doing a nutritional survey in tal, to recalibrate our numbers and get a better idea of what the needs are.

in terms of this post cyclone assessment, we will have 3 teams on the ground and we are truely in the assessment phase right now.  msf has very specific intervention criterias when it comes to natural disasters.  we only intervene if the local capacity is overwhelmed, or specific groups are not getting assistance, or if our beneficiaries are affected (and these folks are usually marginalised anyway, so it makes sense that we are responding).  in many countries the emergency response is so limited, or spotty, that it can be crucial that we step in.  in other cases, the disaster is just so bad that the regular programs can’t cope.  we ran the emergency diarrhea treatment centre this summer for that reason – the people who usually can deal with the large increase in diarrhea cases, the icddr,b, was dealing with increasing numbers that indicated their resources would soon be overwhelmed.

in this case the number of players on the ground is quite large, and we aren’t sure if we will find medical needs, or more livilihood issues (which are quite serious nonetheless, many areas have lost all their buildings, food stocks, crops, etc).  are people looking at only short term displacement, or will there be longer periods of crowded and unsuitable conditions (something that can lead to definite health problems).  so i guess we just have to wait and see what we find yes?

now i go to sleep. perhaps more soon.

hello everyone,

well, the cyclone has passed and our guys in teknaf are all doing alright.
the storm didn’t hit them overly hard, just bad winds and some rain.  tal
camp managed to get through with just some damaged latrines and more mud
than usual.  the women and children have been returned from the school they
stayed in overnight, and the team feels pretty good about how it went.
indeed the cyclone hit on the western coast, whereas teknaf is the eastern
end of the coast.  it was freaky to look at sat pictures of the storm
though, since it was literally engulfing the entire bay of bengal, and in
fact, was larger than the country itself.

dhaka is good.  we had a night of howling winds and lots of rain and things
making noise as they blew around outside.  a quick survey of the streets
shows downed branches and some debris, and we’ve been without power since
early early in the morning.

the area that got hit has an official death toll of 242 right now from AP.
government and responding agencies are concerned the number will rise as
they gain access to areas who have lost communication during the storm.
(but i feel a perverted sense of relief that they are speaking of hundreds,
not hundreds of thousands.  and i’m trying to find a way to write this down
that makes it clear that i still consider the loss of life tragic, but i
was so worried it would be so many more people.  can that make sense?)

the lower numbers could be due to the fact that according to news releases,
they managed to evacute hundreds of thousands of people from the coastal
areas.  there is an entire early warning system and volunteers who go
around with whistles and megaphones and get people to leave.  once again, i have
been impressed at how strong this country is in emergency preparedness.

i talked to my mom earlier today when the only reports were of the missing
fisherman who didn’t return before the storm.  she asked why they wouldn’t
have, and the only answer i could think of was desperation, to not lose
income, or their boat, or their nets.  a lot of these guys are incredibly
poor, and i was told that people will risk their lives to save their nets
because they fear if they don’t, they’ll only starve later.  and that
thought depresses me beyond belief.

but my depression really has no place here.  i’m very lucky.  i’m in my
home, and the power just came back on, and i’ve got clean water and no tree
crashed through my roof and my husband is safe beside me and i’m going to
put on some socks and drink some tea to warm myself up since it 24 degrees
but i honestly feel like my toes are about to freeze off my feet.
perspective.  it’s a funny thing.

this has ruled my brain most of the day.

in teknaf, we’ve closed the clinic early, as well as discarged patients at the hospital who are well enough to leave.  people are being encouraged to move to higher levels and go to the cyclone shelters.  for the people we serve, the good news is the storm
didn’t veer towards them.  but that means  in real terms that the storm will
hit other people, who no more deserve this than our beneficiaries.  it is
really quite wretched to sit her and watch the small dot on the cyclone map
move closer and closer to shore.

for everyone on the coastline, the surge is the main concern (raise of
water – rolling wave type thingee).  the wind expected is incredible, and
now even the team in teknaf has started to point out that the storm is
expected to move inland to dhaka by tomorrow morning.  i can hear the wind
outside pick up right now, and it’s not even 5PM.

so yes, for us in dhaka, some rain and wind, and the cold himalayan air
brings us down to what feels like a freezing 20 degrees.  for teknaf, no
direct hit of the cyclone, but an unknown surge impact… which if you’ve
seen the photos of tal after the minor cyclone in may, you can understand
our main concern.

but for the people on the eastern side of the coast, bordering india, the
storm heading their way is terrifying to me.

*seriously emo blog again – i wouldn’t even have posted it but jason says it’s ok – but he’s my husband so he has to.*

my head hurts. a lot.

i was just doing some research online – reading every report i could find on the history of the rohingyas in bangladesh, and the factors leading to their being here, and everything that’s happened since they arrived…

pages and pages of testimonials, and articles, and photos and reports, different agencies, similar findings… and it’s not like i’m surprised. it’s not like i’m not confirming what i already know, what i could hear/see/infer (some of the info was ours). but the temptation to scream right now is overwhelming.

and i wonder who we are. how do we get here.

just to think of people escaping terrible conditions, to end up in limbo, living in a country they aren’t wanted, scraping by to survive, and still saying it’s better than what they left.

reading old reports where refugees put their faith in the international community, put their faith in political changes at home, put their faith in a woman who continues to be under house arrest today. and i wondered if those people still hoped, if anyone heard them anymore, and if those wishes were anything but whispers years on.

i’m scared the world sees them like phantoms, something to be shut away behind a wall of fear or indifference. i’m scared i would have too, if i hadn’t met them, talked to them, and didn’t have their voices in my head right now.

but if i try hard, i remember that this is not always the case.

recently a bbc reporter came to tal during the unrest in myanmar and interviewed folk in the camp, asking them how they felt about the protests. and the story managed to portray the people as having some agency, and beliefs and ideas and thoughts, and did not dismiss them as floating ghosts suspended in time. the man hunched over the radio was suddenly connected to his past – a fine silver thread leading back to his former home. a thread of hope. so yes, that man still hopes.

that’s the important part right? the hope?

here i will deliberately show another picture of some of the kids in tal camp smiling. i want to have a picture where they are more than sadness and desperation. a picture that shows that these are children. children living in the worst conditions i’ve ever seen.

i know what prompted my whole research extravaganza… we just completed the annual plan exercise where we think about what we can/should/hope to accomplish in 2008. i guess that’s what has me thinking so much. and i know (i really do!) that we are doing what we can and i should lay off myself and forgive myself and try to feel okay. but it’s just so hard.

i’m gonna have to do a lot of yoga tonight.

but here is the photo… and now i’m amused that in this shot they kinda look like they are in jail.& hmm. definite accident.

well before i scooted off for vacation, i did make it back to teknaf for another field visit.  this time i brought with me Leonie (see below), our WatSan from the Dhaka Emergency DTC Project (more photos coming soon!!!), and a visitor from HQ, Ms Katya, who is our Expat Support Office (lots of HRM duties)We flew to Cox’s via Chittagong and it was nearly a private jet by the end since we were the only folk going to Cox’s.  The flight attendant let me know it wasn’t the best time of year to visit, and perhaps I should delay my trip

here’s a shot of me taking my human resources responsibilities seriously.  neck massage with smelly de-stress potion.  i take care of my people!!

next we had a 2 hour car ride (much shorter than when the flight is to chittagong).  katya is a bit of a photo freak so she took lots of pics out the window of the car.  i think it was the first time she’d seen real rice paddies.. although these look a little flooded.

if you don’t see rice paddies when you look out the window you probably see this:

then finally we see the blessed sign!

(have i ever mentioned that everything here ends up water damaged somehow?  our logco came back from a field visit and the shoes he had left in the apartment had grown mold…)

so first thing… get some work done at the office.  meet with the
Project Coordinator, Administrators, and later on a meeting with all
the Expats to go over HRM/Finance things to update on
policies/procedures, and see if anything has come up (Question
Time!!!).  Then off to the house for an evening of chatting.  Fun.
Here’s a pic of the office for reference.. (and leonie waving)

For
the rest of the trip I had meetings scheduled.  Looooots of meetings.
First one, was with the office staff: mostly your logisticians,
administrators, translators, guards, cleaners and drivers.  I managed
to schedule this for the hottest part of the morning when there is no
shade.  So um, I’m not going to post photos of me melting.
But, Purpose of the meetings to discuss:
1/
MSF Principles and how they translate in our daily work (like
neutrality, impartiality and a core belief in the right to medical
assistance) – and how can we relate that to our reasons/actions here in
Bangladesh.
2/ Each of our role in helping patients (from loggies to doctors) – let’s all brainstorm those ways!
3/
How our work here is part of broader movement, and how serving the
patients and adhering to principles like neutrality and impartiality
has a worldwide impact on MSF being able to work the way we do.
4/ Annnnnnd always the question period about specific HRM/Admin/Finance policies and procedures

And
the first meeting with the office staff was good – the staff had a
great awareness of their organisation, and happily all knew how
important their place was.  I worry about non-medical staff sometimes
feeling like they aren’t important, but the storekeeper knew that he
had to keep the drug store organised and the stock cards up to date so
that the doctor wouldn’t run out of a medicine, and our beneficiary
could get treatment.  Huzzah!

The second meeting I did was with
the staff from the Feeding Centre (TFC) and the (Out-Patient) Clinic
outside Tal Camp.  Here’s a shot of some of our staff at the TFC:

This
was a good meeting too – and I was so happy when I asked our Clinic
Cleaner how she saw her role in patient service.  I was given a very
good run down on hygiene practices and the impact of poor hygiene on
health!  The guards as well knew that they played a totally important
part in facilitating the medical triage that goes on at the front gate
(done by a medical staff).  I was thrilled to see that all the staff knew
how important they are in our programs here!

I took a break from the large workshop type meetings to chat with the
Clinic and IPD (Hospital) Supervisors.  Mostly to discuss scheduling
and things… and i’m totally listening in this picture… it’s just
really hot.

these
guys do not suffer from ‘expat fear’ at all which is great, so they
totally let me know what was working, what wasn’t, and how they thought
it should be fixed. i’m happy now because i think we’ve resolved the
main issue they brought up.  huzzah!

(expat fear: the affliction
of being somewhat hesitant around these strange foreigners who show up
and like to make changes and have the potential to run amok. can be
developed after working for INGO’s where this has happened.  Often
leads to not speaking your mind when statement would contradict
presumed desires of an expat.  i don’t blame people for developing
expat fear, but i wish the causes weren’t there….)

Our Expat Midwife/Nurse Penny enjoys watching the Doctors grilling me   Beside her is our translator Sworna.

we
did a tour of the IPD which was great because I hadn’t seen it since
all of the construction was completed.  Here is the Emergency Room:

and the pharmacy

and
penny here is showing off her fabulous birthing unit, a small separate
building beside the IPD.  and no, that is not a noose, but a birthing
rope that penny had put in.  dear penny has worked around the world,
and apprently the concept of a suspended rope like this is one women
have thought of nearly everywhere!

demonstrated… (tee hee)

oh, and here’s penny showing me the real use for a bed in a birthing unit

and then a quick hi to everyone else working!

i
don’t have an exterior picture of this hospital (We met and toured the
Nayapara one) but I’ll include a shot of the Kutupalong IPD below so
you know what they basically look like from the outside:

it
is super handy to have a logisitician who is an architect by trade when
you are building new hospitals.  they will make it all very nice, while
coming in on budget (i know, the budget thing is boring to everyone
else, but i’m the finco…).  the roof is very cool – the extra venting at the top makes the ipd sooo much cooler than you’d expect in this climate.

the last two big staff meetings
were scheduled with all of the staff of the 2 IPDs.  the first one was great,
and as the staff were all less than 6 months working as well as being
seconded from the Ministry of Health, i wasn’t expecting everyone to
have too much to say about MSF… but i was wrong!  very good
discussion – and i must say they took the most advantage of the Q&A
re: finance/hrm/admin.  How does everything work and why that way!?!?
by the end, i was exhausted… but still satisfied with it all.

a couple of evenings we took advantage of the cooling temperatures and
lack of monsoony rain to wander through teknaf town.  it would be a
nice relaxing adventures if delivery trucks didn’t take up 99% of the
road and nearly crush you repeatedly.  but here we are wandering:

and here’s the local spice stall/hardware store (cumin and nails, together at last!):

it is truely a coastal city… lots of boats:

and a great sunset

and so ends another trip to our fair teknaf.

i’m having one of those evenings – when i know i should chose to lie down in that nice bed that is less than two feet away from me right now and sleep… but instead i want to write something.

i put the short note on the blog just a few hours back, apologising for my absence, and promising more soon… and i read through some comments that have arrived, and i visited the other blogs that have developed since i last logged on.  and then i went to the living room and visited with our midwife who is en route to her own holidays in the same country i just left and we had a great talk. and all day i spent catching up on the projects and talking to all my co-workers and i talked with someone about a project they are headed to after they leave here, and i had a nice email chat with our fabulous web manager in toronto… and i’m filled with this cheesy, shiny happy feeling.

i honestly love my job.  i love it beyond compare.  i love it when i’m so tired and so frustrated and want to tell people to, well, to do things that i shouldn’t write here…

and i love it because even when we are having the most terrible discussions and making the hardest decisions, i am surrounded by the most committed group of people i have ever had the honour to work with.  it is truely remarkable to work with people who all believe in the simple act of giving what we can, doing what we can, even when we know it isn’t enough.  every time i leave somewhere, for a vacation, for a break between missions, for training… i’m always so tired and i relish the relief of some silence, but whenever i return i’m reminded why i’ve come.  who we are all working for.  and i am filled with hope and a little bit more peace.  because even though within 30 minutes of being back in my office, i had 6 people set up meetings to discuss issues and strategize or plan… i knew i was back to what means so much to me.

a wise man recently said to me, in a time when there were frustrations lurking and so much of ‘but how can we make sure we’ve been useful, done something’, he said (and i’ll paraphrase here), ‘at least they will know that someone was here, someone willing to say i am here with you and i will be here, and hold your hand, and witness this, and give you what i can while i can.’

and that makes all the difference.

ahhhhh holidays.  gives one time to reflect, think, relax.. and finish posts that were started but abandonned when eye fatigue had started to set in.

i am back from a week of these holidays, and trying to turn those scraps of posts into something coherant.  it’s been really quite busy since i posted my late night meloncholy.  we did start up an emergency project here in dhaka and that’s the main reason i stopped posting.  i think my entire department developed eye strain from staring at monitors for 12+ hours a day.

but i’m back and all refreshed and wanting to let everyone know what has been going on.  apologies for not giving you the blow by blow as it happened, but i just did not have it in me to type another word by the time i’d come home at night… so malesh, the last month will be a retrospective like tale, not a true blog.  hope no one minds.

for now, as i am off to bed soon… i will post a link to a story on BBC.

toodles,
julia